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TREATING WIFE – IMPORTANT PART OF FAMILY SYSTEM


Islam, unlike other religions is a strong advocate of marriage. There is no place for celibacy like, for example the Roman Catholic priests and nuns. Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Eeman".  Marriage acts as an outlet for sexual needs and regulate it so one does not become a slave to his/ her desires.

 

It is a social necessity because through marriage, families are established and the family is the fundamental unit of our society. Furthermore, marriage is the only legitimate or halal way to indulge in intimacy between a man and a woman.  Islam takes a middle of the road position to sexual relations , it neither condemns it like certain religions, nor does it allow it freely. Islam urges us to control and regulate our desires, whatever they may be so that we remain dignified and not become like animals.

 

Table of Contents

 

Qur’an

The word "zawj" is used in the Qur'an to mean a pair or a mate. In general it usage refers to marriage. The general purpose of marriage is that the sexes can provide company to one another, love to one another, procreate children and live in peace and tranquility to the commandments of Allah.

 

Allah Said: And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought. Qur’an.Surah Rum 30:21

 

Hadith

The prophet Muhammad (May Allah Honour him and Grant him ) has said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".  Sahih Al Bhukari Vol 7:1

 

The husband/wife relationship

The wives rights - the Husbands obligations.

(1) Maintenance

The husband is responsible for the wives maintenance. This right is established by authority of the Qur'an and the sunnah. It is inconsequential whether the wife is a rich, poor, healthy or sick. A component of his role as "qawam" (leader) is to bear the financial responsibility of the family in a generous way so that his wife may be assured security and thus perform her role devotedly.

 

The wives maintenance entails her right to lodging, clothing, food and general care, like medication, hospital bills etc. He must lodge her where he resides himself according to his means. The wives lodge must be adequate so as to ensure her privacy, comfort and independence.

 

If a wife has been used to a maid or is unable to attend to her household duties, it is the husbands duty to provide her with a maid if he can afford to do so. The prophet is reported to have said: "The most complete of the believers in faith, is the one with the best character among them. And the best of you are those who are best to your women. " Jami at Tirmidhi Vol 1: 1162.

 

(2) "Mahr "

The wife is entitled to a marriage gift that is her own. This may be prompt or deferred depending on the agreement between the parties. A marriage is not valid without mahr. It does not have to be money or gold. It can be non-material like teaching her to read the Qur'an. " Mahr" is a gift from the groom to the bride. This is the Islamic law, unlike some cultures whereby the brides parents pay the future husband to marry the daughter. This practice degrades women and is contrary to the spirit of Islam. There is no specification in the Qur'an as to what or how much the Mahr has to be. It depends on the parties involved.

 

(3) Non-material rights.

A husband is commanded by the law of Allah to treat his wife with equity, respect her feelings and show kindness and consideration, especially if he has another wife. The prophet last sermon stresses kindness to women.

 

The wife obligations - the Husbands rights.

One of the main duties of the wife is to contribute to the success and blissfulness of the marriage. She must be attentive to the comfort and wellbeing of her husband. The Qur'anic ayah which illustrates this point is: "Our lord, grant us wives and offspring who will be the comfort of our eyes and guide us to be models for the righteous" Qur’an.surah Furqan 25:74

 

The wife must be faithful, trustworthy and honest she must not deceive her husband by deliberately avoiding contraception. She must not allow any other person to have access to that which is exclusively the husband right i.e. sexual intimacy. She must not receive or entertain strange males in the house without his knowledge and consent. She should not be alone with a strange male. She should not accept gifts from other men without his approval. This is meant to avoid jealousy, suspicion and gossip. The husband possessions are her trust. She may not dispose of his belongings without his permission.

 

General points

The following is a summary of Beautiful Reception

After returning from work, school, travel, or whatever has separated you:

•    Begin with a good greeting.


•    Start with Assalamau 'Alaykum and a smile. Salam is a sunnah and a du'aa for her as well.


•    Shake her hand and leave bad news for later!


•    Sweet Speech and Enchanting Invitations 


•    Choose words that are positive and avoid negative ones.


•    Give her your attention when you speak of she speaks.


•    Speak with clarity and repeat words if necessary until she understands.


•    Call her with the nice names that she likes, e.g. my sweet-heart, honey, saaliha, etc.
 

Friendliness and Recreation

•    Spend time talking together.


•    Spread to her goods news.


•    Remember your good memories together. 

 

Games and Distractions

•    Joking around & having a sense of humor.


•    Playing and competing with each other in sports or whatever.


•    Taking her to watch permissible (halal) types of entertainment.


•    Avoiding prohibited (haram) things in your choices of entertainment. 

 

Assistance in the Household

•    Doing what you as an individual can/like to do that helps out, especially if she is sick or tired.


•    The most important thing is making it obvious that he appreciates her hard work.

 

Consultation (Shurah)

•    Specifically in family matters.


•    Giving her the feeling that her opinion is important to you.


•    Studying her opinion carefully.


•    Be willing to change an opinion for hers if it is better.


•    Thanking her for helping him with her opinions. 
 

Visiting Others

•    Choosing well raised people to build relations with. There is a great reward in visiting relatives and pious people. (Not in wasting time while visiting!)


•    Pay attention to ensure Islamic manners during visits.


•    Not forcing her to visit whom she does not feel comfortable with. 
 

Conduct During Travel

•    Offer a warm farewell and good advice.


•    Ask her to pray for him.


•    Ask pious relatives and friends to take care of the family in your absence.


•    Give her enough money for what she might need.


•    Try to stay in touch with her whether by phone, e-mail, letters, etc..


•    Return as soon as possible.


•    Bring her a gift!


•    Avoid returning at an unexpected time or at night.


•    Take her with you if possible.
 

Financial Support

•    The husband needs to be generous within his financial capabilities. He should not be a miser with his money (nor wasteful).


•    He gets rewards for all what he spends on her sustenance even for a small piece of bread that he feeds her by his hand (hadeith).


•    He is strongly encouraged to give to her before she asks him.


•    Smelling Good and Physical Beautification 


•    Following the Sunnah in removing hair from the groin and underarms.


•    Always being clean and neat.


•    Put on perfume for her.
 

Intercourse 

•    It is obligatory to do it habitually if you have no excuse (sickness, etc.)


•    Start with "Bismillah" and the authentic du'a.


•    Enter into her in the proper place only (not the anus).


•    Begin with foreplay including words of love.


•    Continue until you have satisfied her desire.


•    Relax and joke around afterwards.


•    Avoid intercourse during the monthly period because it haram


•    Do what you can to avoid damaging her level of Hiyaa (shyness and modesty) such as taking your clothes together instead of asking her to do it first while he is looking on.


•    Avoid positions during intercourse that may harm her such as putting pressure on her chest and blocking her breath, especially if you are heavy.


•    Choose suitable times for intercourse and be considerate as sometimes she maybe sick or exhausted.
 

Guarding Privacy 

Avoid disclosing private information such as bedroom secrets, her personal problems and other private matters. 
 

Aiding in the Obedience to Allah

•    Wake her up in the last third of the night to pray "Qiyam-ul-Layl" (extra prayer done at night with long sujood and ruku'ua).


•    Teach her what you know of the Qur'an and its tafseer.


•    Teach her "Dhikr" (ways to remember Allah by the example of the prophet) in the morning and evening.


•    Encourage her to spend money for the sake of Allah such as in a charity sale.


•    Take her to Hajj and Umrah when you can afford to do so. 


Showing Respect for her Family and Friends 

•    Take her to visit her family and relatives, especially her parents.


•    Invite them to visit her and welcome them.


•    Give them presents on special occasions.


•    Help them when needed with money, effort, etc..


•    Keep good relations with her family after her death if she dies first. Also in this case the husband is encouraged to follow the sunnah and keep giving what she used to give in her life to her friends and family. 
 

(Islamic) Training & Admonition

This includes:

•    The basics of Islam


•    Her duties and rights


•    Reading and writing


•    Encouraging her to attend lessons and halaqahs


•    Islamic rules (ahkam) related to women


•    Buying Islamic books and tapes for the home library 
 

Admirable Jealousy


•    Ensure she is wearing proper hijab before leaving house.


•    Restrict free mixing with non-mahram men.


•    Avoiding excess jealousy.


Examples of this are:

1- Analyzing every word and sentence she says and overloading her speech by meanings that she did not mean


2- Preventing her from going out of the house when the reasons are just.


3- Preventing her from answering the phone.
 

Patience and Mildness

•    Problems are expected in every marriage so this is normal. What is wrong is excessive responses and magnifying problems until a marital breakdown.


•    Anger should be shown when she exceeds the boundaries of Allah SWT, by delaying prayers, backbiting, watching prohibited scenes on TV, etc..


•    Forgive the mistakes she does to you.

 

Correcting her Mistakes

•    First, implicit and explicit advice several times.


•    Then by turning your back to her in bed (displaying your feelings). Note that this does not include leaving the bedroom to another room, leaving the house to another place, or not talking with her.


•    The last solution is lightly hitting (when allowable) her. In this case, the husband should consider the following: 


1- He should know that sunnah is to avoid beating as the Prophet never beat a woman or a servant.


2- He should do it only in extreme cases of disobedience, e.g. refusing intercourse without cause frequently, constantly not praying on time, leaving the house for long periods of time without permission nor refusing to tell him where she had been, etc..


3- It should not be done except after having turned from her bed and discussing the matter with her as mentioned in Qur'an .


4- He should not hit her hard injuring her, or hit her on her face or on sensitive parts of her body.


5- He should avoid shaming her such as by hitting her with a shoe, etc.


Pardoning and Appropriate Censure 

•    Accounting her only for larger mistakes.


•    Forgive mistakes done to him but account her for mistakes done in Allah's rights, e.g. delaying prayers, etc..


•    Remember all the good she does whenever she makes a mistake.


•    Remember that all humans err so try to find excuses for her such as maybe she is tired, sad, having her monthly cycle or that her commitment to Islam is growing.


•    Avoid attacking her for the bad cooking of the food as the Prophet never blamed any of his wives for this. If he likes the food, he eats and if he doesn't then he does not eat and does not comment.


•    Before declaring her to be in error, try other indirect approaches that are more subtle than direct accusations


•    Escape from using insults and words that may hurt her feelings.


•    When it becomes necessary to discuss a problem wait until you have privacy from others.


•    Waiting until the anger has subsided a bit can help to keep a control on your words.
 

References

From the book "How to make your wife happy by Sheikh Mohammed Abdel Haleem Hamed,

http://www.islamawareness.net/Marriage/marriage_article001.html


 

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