THE FUNDAMENTALS OF HAPPY MARRIAGE
Marriage by definition means The state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law. Islam gives utmost importance to marriages. Marriage is the most basic remedy for sexual appetite.
Through Marriage, the conjugal relationship between a man and a woman becomes lawful. It provides a legitimate outlet for recreation as well as procreation. Islam regards sex as natural and good, but restricts it to the partners of marriage so as to ensure the responsibility for its consequences.
Marriage provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological companionship. This companionship generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual confidence, solace and succor (sakinah). It lays a spiritual and legal foundation for raising a family. The children born of the matrimonial union become legitimate and mutual rights of inheritance are established.
The Almighty says: “Among His signs is that He created for you spouses from yourselves so that you might find repose with them. And He has placed between you affection and mercy. In that there are certainly signs for people who reflect.” Qur’an.Surah Room 30:21. Marriage fortifies the heart against Satan, it helps lowering the gaze and satisfies the soul.
Islam has given freedom of choice to those who wish to get married. The mutual choice of the would-be-spouses is given the highest consideration: "Do not prevent them from marrying their husbands when they agree between themselves in a lawful manner." Qur’an.Surah Baqrah 2:232.
A woman or a man who has good manners is considered as a grace from Allah سبحانه و تعالى. The prophet muhammed (peace be upon him)said, 'There is nothing more beneficial to a believer next to the fear of Allah سبحانه و تعالى than a pious wife. When he commands her, she obeys him; and when he looks at her, she pleases him; and when he swears by Allah سبحانه و تعالى that she should do a thing, she would; and when he is away, she guards herself and his property.' Musnad Ahmad Vol 2:251; classed as hasan by al-Albaani in al-Silsilah al-Saheehah 1838.
The most basic and essential attribute of a Muslim marriage is the common faith that binds the couple. Since Islam is a way of life and not just a religion confined to weekly worship it becomes an integral part of a Muslim’s life. The frame of reference shared by the couple eases communication and sharing of values which is not possible in an interfaith marriage. It is highly recommended that faith play an important role in the developing a loving relationship. For example, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺsaid, that when a husband feeds his wife, he gets a reward for this act and Allah سبحانه و تعالى increases the bond of love between them. So when we love each other for the sake of Allah سبحانه و تعالى WE ACTUALLY INCREASE OUR FAITH.
When the Prophet Muhammad ﷺasked his Companions ‘do you wish that Allah سبحانه و تعالىshould forgive you’ they said, of course O Prophet of Allah. He responded, ‘then forgive each other’.One of the main components of a happy marriage is that the spouses are able to forgive, that they do not hold grudges or act judgmental towards each other. It is expected that when we live with someone, situations may arise when we end up saying or doing things that hurt our spouses. The challenge is not to dwell on it or lay blame but to move past it. This can only happen if we are not too proud to ask for forgiveness and we are not stingy to forgive. If we expect Allah سبحانه و تعالىto forgive us than we must learn to forgive.
When we constantly remind our spouses of all the times they let us down or hurt us we have not truly forgiven. Things that happened in the past must be left there and not be used as fresh ammunition in new situations. Couples who use this technique usually fall in a rut and become victims of their own pettiness, unable to break free.
Sabr (patience) is the most useful tool to have in managing a healthy lifestyle. Being patient and forbearing puts us in a proactive frame of mind it brings us closer to Allah سبحانه و تعالى through Tawakul (complete trust on Allah) and confidence .We develop an inner mechanism that empowers us to handle life’s difficult moments. As Allah سبحانه و تعالى states in Surah Asr: “Surely by time humans are at loss, except those who believe and do righteous deeds and counsel each other to the truth and counsel each other to Sabr’ (Qur’an.Surah Asr 103:1-3).
Many couples unnecessarily make themselves miserable because they are unwilling to bend a little. We should not expect our spouses to be our extensions. They are their own selves with personalities, likes and dislikes. We must respect their right to be themselves as long as it does not compromise their Deen (religion). Being inflexible and not accommodating for individual differences leads to a very stressful and tense home atmosphere.
This aspect of marriage has three components.
Couples that do not laugh together have to work on sharing some fun times. The Prophet Muhammad ﷺwas known to play with his wives. A simple walk in the park can add much spark to the relationship. Taking up a sport together. As prophetMuhammad ﷺhad a race with His wife Ayesha رضي الله عنه.
It is commanded by Allah سبحانه و تعالى that we be faithful to our spouses. Adultery is a capital crime in Islam that is punishable by death. However there are various forms of unfaithful behavior prevalent among some Muslims.
The most common form is maintaining friendships with the opposite sex over the boundaries set by Islam, and the misgivings of the spouse. The latest trend of Internet relationships is also contrary to Islamic Adab (etiquette) and is causing serious problems between couples. Once a sense of betrayal sets in, repairing that relationship is difficult. Another form of not being faithful is when couples betray confidences. This is a trust issue and one when compromised eats away at the heart of a marriage.
Usually when we are angry or displeased the tendency is to not play fair. We try to convince ourselves that since we have been wronged it is okay to be unjust in our behavior and our statements. Allah سبحانه و تعالى states in the Qur'aan do not be unjust under any circumstances, even if they be your enemy, and here we are talking about our life partners and the parent of our children. To use words such as “never” and “always” when describing the behavior of the partner is unfair and puts the other on the defensive.
One of the most common points of contention in marriages is money. Experts tell us that 80 percent of marital conflicts are about money. It is therefore highly recommended that the couple put serious time and effort in developing a financial management plan that is mutually agreeable and is reviewed every six months or so. Preparing a budget together is also a helpful and wise way to handling household finances. It should be remembered that the wife’s money in Islam is hers to do with as she pleases and therefore should not be considered family income unless she chooses to contribute it to the family.
Parenting can be a stressful experience if the parents are not well informed. This in turn can put extra pressure on the marriage. Sometimes couples are naive about the changes that come in the lifestyle. This can cause in some cases depression and in some resentment and misunderstandings. One golden rule that must always be the guide is; that family comes first.
Whenever there is evidence that the family is not happy or not our first priority it is time to assemble at the kitchen table and discuss with open hearts and mind. Couples who have elderly parents have an added responsibility to take care of them. This can also be very stressful if the couple is not prepared.
A care plan must be worked out with respective siblings and parents as to who will be the primary care giver and what type of support network they will have. In case of mental incompetence a power of attorney must be in place. The making of a will is most essential.
Prophet Muhammad ﷺ stated that Allah سبحانه و تعالى forgives all sins if we repent but not those we have committed against others i.e. hurt their feelings unless the person we have hurt forgives first. Couples are sometimes very careless when it comes to their spouse’s feelings, they take them for granted and assume that the other knows what they mean. It is surprising that people are more sensitive and courteous to strangers than they are to their loved ones. One must be ever vigilant and careful that they do not hurt the feelings of their spouses and if they invariably do, they should apologize as soon as possible. Since one does not know when someone they love will leave this world, is it not better to make amends when we have the time?
Marriage in Islam is a partnership and not bondage or slavery. To consider the wife one’s property is alien to Islamic concept of husband and wife role. The team spirit is enhanced and not curtailed when members of the team are free to be themselves. Freedom in the common western sence is to be free to do as one pleases or to be selfish. On the contrary, to allow freedom to one’s spouse is to be considerate of their needs and to recognize their limitations.
A sure way to keep romance in marriage is to flirt with your spouse. Many successful marriages have maintained a youthful demeanor in their marriages by adopting special names for each other and secret communication styles.
Misunderstandings happen when couples are not honest with each other. Marital relationship is where the partners must feel safe to speak their mind with due consideration to the other’s feeling, without compromising their own views. When the communication is not frank it hinders in the development of closeness and deep understanding of each other’s inner self.
Facilitator: When choosing our life partner, we must, as the Prophet Muhammad ﷺadvised, look for a pious Muslim. The reason is that their first and foremost goal is the pleasure of Allah سبحانه و تعالى. This commitment to Allah سبحانه و تعالى makes them an excellent facilitator for enhancing their partner’s spiritual development. In essence, the couple facilitates their family’s commitment to Allah سبحانه و تعالى and His Deen.
Paying compliments and indulging in honest flattery is a very inexpensive way to win your spouse’s heart. Everyone likes to be appreciated and noticed. So being stingy about compliments is actually depriving oneself of being appreciated in return.
To be all one can be to one’s spouse is a very fulfilling and rewarding experience. To be in love means to give one’s all. The heart does not put conditions or make stipulations. It gives without expecting anything in return, but such selfless giving is always rewarded tenfold.
It often happens that our expectations sometimes are so high that we lose focus of the fact that we are fallible beings. When couples start to nitpick and demand the impossible they must remind themselves that only Allah سبحانه و تعالى is perfect.
So many times couples fail to work on developing fondness for each other by [failing] to see their spouses as people through the eyes of their respective friends. Spending quality time alone doing and sharing activities are ways in which one can develop fondness.
Future: Smart couples plan for their future together. They work on their financial and retirement plans, make wills and discuss these plans with their children. This provides peace of mind and secures the relationship.